Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Group Projects and Why They Suck


So last week I wrote my blog about things that people do in class that piss me off. That seems to have left me with a serious case of bad karma.

That, or the fact that I laughed really hard at this exchange from “Saved By The Bell” the other day:
Mr. Belding: Who’s in charge of food?
Alan (the fat kid): I am, sir.
Zack: Who else would be?
Alan: Stop with the fat jokes or I’ll sit on you!
Zack: Ooo this is getting heavy.
Mr. Belding: What kind of food is your committee serving, Alan?
Alan: Chocolate fudge cake, strawberry shortcake, hot fudge sundae cake—
Zack: Man, you’re going to have to grease the door to get home, Alan.


Anyway, back to my point, my karma was not great.

The result of this was the one thing that I hate more than annoying people in class… group projects… with the annoying people in class.

I started out this week with a group project. And included in my group was my least favorite person from class. Ain’t that always the case?

Obviously I hated the group project for this reason alone but I hate group projects on principal.

First of all, I am clearly the smartest person any of us have ever met. Good. Glad we’re all agreed on that. Let me ask then, how is it fair to me to be put in a group with inferior minds?

It’s just cruel.

Not to them but to me. Let’s face it, for them, it’s basically like letting Albert Einstein do your fifth grade science fair project. It’s not even a challenge for him (or me, in this situation) but you’re going to get an “A” for doing nothing anyway.
In this case, I am the gift and the servant while you are the wrapping paper

What is a challenge is dumbing myself down to fit the level of my group. The worst is when someone in my group makes an inane comment that makes me whole heartedly agree with Obama’s birth control mandate and wish it had been in place about 20 years ago. Instead of rolling my eyes and laughing at the failure of America’s education system, I have to delicately find away to show that I appreciate the effort they are bringing to the group but that everyone would appreciate if they would put in a little less effort. And by, “less effort” I mean, “leave.”

If you think this sounds harsh… well… that probably means you were that person in group projects. Sorry to break it to you.
Sorry to break it to you #sorryimnotsorry 

I also take issue with the fact that my grade will in anyway depend on someone else and their abilities. If I do work that deserves an “A,” give me an “A.” If I do work that deserves an “F,” give me an—haha jk like that would ever happen. All I’m saying is I want a grade based on what I brought to the table. Not a grade based on what Jimmy (who comes to class high after not doing the reading) or Sally (who I can only assume was dropped on the head repeatedly as a child) bring to the table. Because, let’s get real, the only things they are bringing to the table are STD’s and a future of alcoholism and reality TV show appearances.
At least one of these people was in my group

Now, I know the reasons we do group projects. I know you’re expected to work as a “team player” in the business world. I get it and I appreciate it and I really don’t have an argument against that.

Other than the fact that anyone who has met me knows that I am destined for so much more than a job that requires group work.

Let’s face it, with my unlimited potential, I think we’ll all be surprised if I haven’t EGOT’ed by 25, won the Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prize by 30, been elected president by 35, and been arrested for masterminding a billion-dollar ponzi scheme by 45.

And in none of those things will I need to use “teamwork.” At least, not until I bust out of prison with Squeaky Fromme and Martha Stewart but I think the three of us would get along just fine.
Best Friends for life! It's almost like we're part of a family...

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